Fanfic Theater: Agony in Pink

Hey there, deviants. Welcome to a new, hopefully recurring, feature of my dA page, Fanfic Theater! I'm going to showcase notable moments in fanfiction, reading the worst stories so you don't have to.

Today, I give you a picture based on the infamous Power Rangers torture porn "Agony in Pink" - a graphic tale of Kimberly "Pink Ranger" Hart's gruesome and extremely repetitive torture and death at the hands of Tortura, a monster made by Lord Zedd out of torture instruction manuals. Yes, the monster is made out of books.

The script was written for Usenet way back in 1994 by an obviously disturbed man who called himself The Dark Ranger. In the years following, he went on to write a remake, "Agony in Pink: Special Edition" (now with 25% more vagina torture!), and a sequel, "Agony in Pink 2: To Skin a Kat" (which involved the torture of Kat Hillard, the second Pink Ranger). The Dark Ranger hasn't been heard from since, but I imagine that he's writing his torture porn in a padded room by now.

I'd post a link to the story, but trust me, you'll be glad I didn't. I read it, and it was an ordeal I can't force on you good people. If you want to Google it and subject yourself to this nightmarish scenario of lost innocence and poor grammar, go ahead, but I warned you.

It starts off as sort of an okay little story (by fanfic standards anyway) with Lord Zedd, the subject of our childhood nightmares, discovering torture, which he apparently wasn't aware of previously despite having tortured characters with his Zedd-powers on multiple occasions in the TV show. He then uses his Saban magic to make a monster that can torture people. So, does he use this beast to torture his mortal enemies, the Power Rangers? Yes, but just the pink one. The other five are spared the book-demon's wrath. That seems inefficient to me, but I'm sure that Zedd has thought this through. After all, the guy has a brain on top of his head.

Zedd then sends some Putties to capture Kimberly at Ernie's Juice Bar (which is always packed with super hip, juice-loving teenagers). Despite the fact that the show portrays them as incredibly weak and incompetent, the Putties abduct her with ease from an inexplicably empty locker room, then teleport her (Putties can teleport?) to Lord Zedd's base, now equipped with a spiffy new torture chamber. Zedd tells Kimberly that he built it just for her. That Zedd really knows how to make a girl feel special. And I guess his powers include building elaborate rooms in the time span of a few minutes, because he only discovered torture earlier that day.

Now, this is where "Agony in Pink" abandons any traces of plot, replacing it with graphic descriptions of Kimberly being stripped naked and whipped, electrocuted, cut with a knife, mocked, raped by an alien "penis" the size of her arm, etc. Seriously, the pointless torture takes up about nine tenths of the story. It's only shocking briefly, then it goes on too long and gets boring. Then it goes on even longer and becomes downright depressing that somebody actually took the time to write this. Then it becomes boring again.

Between long, drawn-out paragraphs about how much Tortura loves to hurt Kimberly and Kimberly screaming for help, we see a subplot involving the other Rangers wondering where the absent Pink Ranger is. She didn't show up for school... she must be in mortal peril! They ask Zordon to check up on her with his handy viewing globe, which, if you remember, has the power to take hidden camera footage of anyone, anywhere, anytime, without the use of actual cameras or logic. That seems incredibly invasive of Kimberly's privacy. They haven't even tried calling her house yet to see where she is, but they jump at the chance to spy on her without her knowledge. For all they know, she could be getting dressed or sitting on the toilet right now, but they can't wait to put it onscreen for all to see.

Anyway, they're soon met with the sight of a naked Kimberly being tormented. So, how does our author Dark Ranger describe this horrific discovery? "Immediately, the sight of Kimberly's naked body gave Jason, Tommy, and Zack hard-ons, of which they were instantly ashamed and hoped that nobody else noticed."

Wow, heart-wrenching stuff there. And hey, why didn't Billy get a "hard-on" from seeing Kim naked and dying? Maybe he's just not into torture porn, a virtue for which I commend him.

Spoiler alert! Kim eventually dies after more torture than even Carlos Mencia's audience could endure, and the story ends with Zedd teleporting her mutilated pulp of a body to the Power Rangers' base... somehow. Er, if Zedd can teleport things to their base, why doesn't he go there himself and smash the place up, or send them a bomb or something?

Anyway, the Rangers are saddened by seeing their friend's puréed corpse, and the sorrow hits its climax with Alpha 5's mournful cry of "Ay-yi-yi, Kimberly's been tortured to death!" Thanks for clearing that up, Alpha. I thought she was just sleeping while cut in pieces.

Zordon says that there's nothing they can do, and the only option is to destroy Kim's body and get a new Pink Ranger. Zordon is an ass. After all she's done for him, even bringing him back from the dead in the Power Rangers movie (a favor which he doesn't even think to return here), his first reaction to her death is to desecrate her corpse so her parents don't learn of her secret life as a Power Ranger. That's right, he does this just to cover his own ass (assuming that a disembodied wizard's head in a giant glowstick can have an ass).

And that's it. The end. No climax, no resolution, just the Rangers gawking at a dead Kimberly. Rest in peace, now let's burn the body!

Wow, that was a long summary. Sorry about that. The other Fanfic Theaters will be shorter than this, I swear. I just had a lot to say about this one. Thanks for reading my stuff. See you around.